Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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