Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
