Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
