You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
