Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
