I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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