My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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