I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
