I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
