I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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