he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
