If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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