I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
