I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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