sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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