Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she smelled like a LAN party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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