just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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