there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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