Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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