his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
