and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
