I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
