I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
