can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
