Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
