I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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