I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
