Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
