How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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