I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just cut my nipple shaving
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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