we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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