i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
