brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
