I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do vagina's smell?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
