You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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