I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
