I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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