Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
