My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
