One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
