He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
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i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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