I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
