All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
