I feel like I'm in dance class right now
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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