If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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