Cold hands, warm shart.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
