see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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