I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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