I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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