I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
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You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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