It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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