those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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