I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
