he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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