Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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