ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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