I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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