so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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