I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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