I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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