I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
